I knew this demon was coming over to play so why did I think it was a good idea to come here?!
Today is a challenging day. December 12th. I am only writing at this moment so that I can bring some focus into my mind for a few moments. I hope this helps. I really hope that this helps. I feel cold. Like I just can not warm up. It is such a cold day today. My body feels like electricity is running through it. I have a constant humming feeling that is coming from nowhere but can be felt everywhere. My hands are shaky. I had trouble earlier being able to focus my eyesight on the computer screen while working. Now I take a few moments to focus on my breathing but I am only distracted by this foul taste that I have in my mouth. Perhaps it is related to the broken tooth that I have an appointment to be repaired tomorrow. I try to focus again on my breathing. I have a headache. Did I drink enough water today? Shit, I don’t know. I think so. I mean I don’t know. Maybe that is the source of the taste in my mouth. My mouth does feel dry. I need water. My head tingles and my chest feels tight. I have already checked my sugar and my number is perfect so I know that this feeling is not related to either a high or low blood sugar level. It is lunch time and I know that I need to eat. Panic. Damn, I can feel it building. I did not want to be home alone so I drove down here to my favorite hangout lunch spot. I knew that I was edging closer toward the abyss on my way here because at some point I realized that I was only driving 20 miles per hour. When I walked in here I began second guessing myself whether or not this was a good idea. I order a beer thinking that it may relax me and I can quickly return to being a normal human being. I look around at all of the other normal human beings that surround me enjoying their lunch and being, well normal. My head is spinning now, my palms are clammy and I am hot. I am no longer cold. I am sweating. I take my sweater off. It does not do much to cool me off. I am dizzy now. My food comes out pretty quickly. I take the first bite and it is difficult. Breathe, just breathe. I feel nauseous. I might need to escape to the restroom. Breathe. I take more bites of my sandwich and stare at the stack of empty beer kegs awaiting the afternoon pick up. My palms are so wet that I have no grip but they are cold. I press my cold hands upon my neck and shoulders. I do this as a grounding attempt. Sometimes it helps. My pulse is strong and building but I manage to take a deep breath. I feel like escaping. I don’t know how I am going to get back home. I can not exactly feel my feet but they tingle. Damn this feeling! I wonder what I look like to the people around me. Do I look like my vision is blurry? Are they wondering why it is taking me so long to eat this meal. Are they even looking at me? Sure they are. How long has it been anyway? Why did I think that it would be a good idea to come down here? I knew this demon was coming over to play so why did I think it was a good idea to come here?! I could have ridden this roller coaster alone at home. Oh yeah, I remember, I was not going to let this thing beat me. I did not fully know that I was about to dive into this anxiety hole for certain. I really never know how this is going to go. I simply had the underlying feeling of doom that something terrible was about to happen, like I was going to abruptly die of some trauma home alone with no one to call for help. Somatic anxiety they call it. The anxious manifestation of a physical ailment for no good reason. Things in life are good. No they are great. I don’t want it to end; I am afraid that this paradise will be stolen away. My mind fixates on the concept and then boom, anxiety. This is how I get here. Damn.
My pulse is no longer racing. I feel a sense of clarity begin to wash over me. I am beginning to feel focus. It is easier to take a deep breath. I can feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders relax. I am becoming aware again of the people around me. I can hear their conversations and I can smell the food. I am hungry now. The pain has returned in my lower back. I never thought that I would welcome that, ever! The sun is shining through the windows and it is beautiful. Ideas about work and the things that I have to do this afternoon flood my mind and distract me from writing. I have again returned from a panic attack. This episode is over. Twenty Nine Minutes.
The artwork featured in this post is also by the author. It is titled “Release” and was painted during an actual panic attack at a different time. The most important thing to remember about building anxiety, panic attacks specifically, is that they are temporary. It is irrational fear that takes over the mind and can not last. Only the rational mind can last and it will always return. While it may feel very real, there is nothing real about it.
an empty blog 